Miss Victoria's School for Girls

God, I hate kobolds.

Dear diary,

I’m pretty sure this backwoods village was lame even before it got overrun by disgusting lizard creatures. This random fighter lady told us we needed to get us and all the useless villagers to the keep before the lizard army attacked, and I thought it sounded like a good idea because I was pretty sure that was the only place we’d find a decent bed in this podunk town. But then when we got there it was filled with like screaming children and old people. Ugh.

This actually semi-cute ginger dwarf named Castellan Escober seemed to be in charge, and he took us to go see Governor Nighthill up on the ramparts. The Governor kinda reminded me of dad, but not nearly as nice, because instead of giving me a kiss and a pair of earrings, he started telling us about some other poor people who were stuck in the Temple of Chantay. I was like, whatever, that’s their stupid fault for running into the pretty building with stained glass windows instead of the HEAVILY FORTIFIED COMPLEX like 100 feet away during an attack. I mean, who does that? But the others were all like, ‘we have to save them’, so I was like ugh, fine.

But that was before Castellan Escobar sent us through, and I shit you not, a thousand-year-old tunnel that had never been used and was filled with rats. RATS! I have literally never been more grossed out in my entire life. Literally. It was… I don’t even want to talk about it any more.

At the end of the tunnel there was a grate, and surprise surprise the dwarf didn’t remember to give us the key. Jesus, it’s no wonder these people got overrun so fast. I thought Sassay would be able to pick the lock or something but she was just totally useless today. Between you and me, diary, I think she was drunk. She seems like the kind of girl to have, like, a hidden flask of vodka tucked into her off-brand boots.

Of course Grontina just walked up and yanked the damn thing open, which made a horrible noise. Like, hello, Grontina? Subtlety? I guess that’s really not her thing. So, of course, when we popped out there were a bunch of kobolds and rough men out there waiting to kill us. But we remembered our lessons and kicked their butts, and then Tina shoved their bodies into the tunnel so nobody would see.

We got to the temple and it was a hot mess. Kobolds running around in circles and the dunces inside were just sitting around waiting to die, basically. But we wasted some more kobolds and got in. This priest guy who I think was named Edie Falco was all like, “we’re gonna die,” but I said, “snap out of it man,” and we ran the hell out of there. Grontina had to move the bodies again so we could get back into the tunnel, but we got everyone in (barely) and finally got to go to sleep. Longest. Day. Ever. I fell onto the lumpiest mattress ever, lumpier than Grontina’s thighs.

It felt like I’d barely closed my eyes when alarm bells started ringing, and the dragon attacked! Kind of. It looked about as excited to be in Greenest as I did, though it ate up a bunch of soldiers without even blinking. Then, Escobar started yelling at us that the Sally Gate was under attack. At first I thought he was talking about that plain girl with the frizzy hair from Algebra, but it turns out it’s, like, some special door in the keep, whatever. Like every damn problem in this town, they needed us to fix it, so we killed more kobolds, their big attack lizards, and saved everyone. Again.



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